|This page is dedicated to golf jokes. We all need to laugh in life and this is the page for it. If you think
that you have a joke that member's would like to read please email it to
firstname.lastname@example.org. We only ask that you use your best judgment when requesting your joke to be published on the page. Also we would like it if you could copy and past your joke into your email. Thank you and we hope you enjoy this page.
|Movies and Images|
|You know you're a golfer when:|
- Even your work gloves have a ball marker on the wrist.
- You mow your backyard to 11 on the Stimpmeter.
- You don’t know who the Vice President is, but you’ve got Davis Love’s sand save percentage memorized.
- You name your kids Arnold, Jesper and Chi Chi, and that’s just the girls.
- Tees in all your pockets, even your jammies.
- Getting married at 10? You can still get in a quick 9 holes at 8.
- You have all the machinery foldouts from Turfgrass Monthly pinned to your wall.
- You get a titanium rod inserted permanently so you can’t bend your left arm.
- After two days without golf, you get the shakes and have to phone 1-800-HEADCASE so they can talk you down.
- When you stand at the urinal, you use the overlapping grip.
|From Member: Matt Miller
Top 10 "Best Caddy Comments"
# 10 Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake." Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"|
# 9 Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course." Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."
# 8 Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?" Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."
# 7 Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?" Caddy: "Eventually."
# 6 Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world." Caddy: "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."
# 5 Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch. It's too much of a distraction." Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass."
# 4 Golfer: "How do you like my game?" Caddy: "Very good sir, but personally, I! prefer golf."
# 3 Golfer: SPAN> "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?" Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day."
# 2 Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on." Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."
# 1 Best Caddy Comment Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old," Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."
|From Member: AL Davidson
If your best shots are the practice swing and the "gimme putt", you might wish to reconsider this game.
Achieving a certain level of success in golf is only important if you can finally enjoy the level you've reached after you've reached
Golf is the only sport where the most feared opponent is you.
Golf is like marriage: If you take yourself too seriously it won't work ... and both are expensive.
The best wood in most amateurs' bags is the pencil.
To some golfers, the greatest handicap is the ability to add correctly.
In golf, some people tend to get confused with all the numbers...they shoot a six, yell fore and write five.
Swing easy. Hit hard.
If you find yourself pleased that you locate more balls in the rough than you actually have lost, your focus is totally wrong and your personality might not be right for
golf ... it is also just a matter of time before the IRS investigates your business.
Why is it twice as difficult to hit a ball over water than sand?
"The greatest sound in golf is the Woosh, Woosh, Woosh, of your opponent's club as he hurls it across the fairway"
|From Member: AL Davidson
Golf balls are like eggs ... they're white. They're sold by the dozen. And a week later you have to buy more.
A pro-shop gets its name from the fact that you have to have the income of a professional golfer to buy anything in there.
It's amazing how a golfer who never helps out around the house will replace his divots, repair his ball marks, and rake his sand traps.
When you stop to think about it, did you ever notice that it's a lot easier to get up at 6:00 a.m. to play golf than at 10:00 to mow the yard?
Golf is by far the ultimate love/hate relationship.
Sometimes it seems as though your cup runneth and moveth over.
It takes longer to learn good golf than it does brain surgery. On the other hand, you seldom get to ride around on a cart, drink beer eat hot dogs and fart while performing brain surgery.
A good drive on the 18th hole has stopped many a golfer from giving up the game.
Water hazards are no walk in the park for fish, turtles, frogs or gators either.
Golf is the perfect thing to do on Sunday because you always end praying a lot.
A good golf partner is one who's always slightly worse than you.
That rake by the sand trap is there for golfers who feel guilty about skipping out on lawn work.
If there's a storm rolling in, you'll be having the game of your life.
If your opponent has trouble remembering whether he shot a six or a seven, he probably shot an eight.
You probably wouldn't look good in a Green Jacket anyway! A sweatshirt will do just fine!
|From Member: Bob Lehman
Shortly after the Pope had apologized to the Jewish People for the
treatment of Jews by the Catholic Church over the years, Ariel Sharon,
the Prime Minister of Israel, sent a proposal to the College of Cardinals
for a friendly game of golf, to be played between the two leaders or
their representatives to demonstrate the friendship and ecumenical spirit
shared by the Catholics and the Jews.
The Pope then met with his College of Cardinals to discuss the proposal.
"Your Holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Sharon wants to
challenge you to a game of golf to show that you are old and unable to
compete. I am afraid that this would tarnish our image in the world."
The Pope thought about this and, since he had never held a golf club in
his life, asked, "Don't we have a Cardinal to represent me?"
"None who plays golf very well," a Cardinal replied. "But," he added,
"there is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer, who is a devout
Catholic. We can offer to make him a Cardinal and then ask him to play
Mr. Sharon as your personal representative. In addition to showing our
spirit of cooperation, we shall also win the match."
Everyone agreed that this was a great idea. The call was made. Of
course, Nicklaus was honored, and he agreed to play as a representative
of the Pope.
The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the
Pope of the result. "This is Cardinal Nicklaus. I have some good news
and some bad news, Holiness," said the golfer.
"Tell me the good news, Cardinal Nicklaus," said the Pope.
"Well, Your Holiness, I don't like to brag, but even though I have played
some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have
ever played, by far. I must have been inspired from above. My drives
were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful, and my putting
was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous."
"How can there be bad news?" the Pope asked.
Nicklaus sighed, "I lost by three strokes to Rabbi Tiger Woods."
Golf can best be described
as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle.
“If you think it is hard
to meet new people, try picking up the wrong ball.” –Jack Lemmon
To some golfers, the greatest
handicap is the ability to add correctly.
Did you ever notice how badly
you played the hole right after you asked the folks ahead if you could
I wish I could play my normal
game… just once.
“Golf is harder than baseball.
In golf, you have to play your foul balls.” –Ted Williams
A “gimme” can best be defined
as an agreement between two golfers…neither of whom can putt very
An interesting thing about
golf is that no matter how badly you play, it is always possible to
If the grass around your home
is longer than the rough at your course, your marriage may be in trouble.
If you find yourself pleased
that you locate more balls in the rough than you actually have lost,
your focus is totally wrong and your personality might not be right
Why is it twice as difficult
to hit a ball over water than sand?
You know your golf game is
improving when you start missing shots much closer than you used to.
If it bothers you that you
lose lots of golf balls, consider bowling… the ball always comes back.
“Golf’s a hard game to
figure. One day you’ll go out and slice it and shank it, hit
into all the traps and miss every green. The next day you go out
and for no good reason at all you really stink.” –Bob Hope
Only a stupid golfer throws
his club behind him. The smart golfer throws his club ahead so
he can pick it up on the way to the next hole.
“I play in the low 80’s.
If it’s any hotter than that I won’t play.” –Joe E. Lewis
“My game is improving…
I am hitting fewer spectators.” -Former President Gerald Ford
“He who has the fastest golf
cart never has a bad lie.” –Mickey Mantle
One under par is called a “birdie,”
two under par is called an “eagle,” and three under par is called
||Prizes at Each Event|
||Reserved Tee Times|
||Season Ending 2-Day Championship and Awards Banquet|
||Qualify for DVGC's Ryder Cup|
||Pay Only When You Play|
||Play as Often or as Little as You Like|